I began essentially as a journal writer. I am happy to continue writing my journal entries only they are online now. I am still writing like a nose-running, hurt child. My writing is a lot of cribbing and crying over spilt milk attitude. Since I never really moved out of the journal writing syndrome, I cannot comment much about my writing unless to say over the years I got a chance to understand how I thought at different stages of my developmental years.
All these years, I feel happy that I aimed for fairness always! Even though, it was just complaining tirade about what did not go well in life. But sometimes, I would record something happy. I would be wonderstruck that I could see it in that way! That surprise element is the best gift that give me inner strength to move on in life.
Window to My World in the Complementary Diaries
I was never my free self when I wrote in my father’s previous year’s company complementary diary which I used for almost three years or four years in a stretch. Since I did not write regularly but just off and on. There was some inbuilt restriction to talk or to think freely.
Among the much restriction I felt the pressures of writing and expressing myself. I think I picked that up from school where I feared the classes and teachers who never found my answers correct. But when I wrote I felt a freedom to be myself and at the end of the writing session I would feel so liberated. Then, I slowly began writing about impression on books and talked about character and plot.
These conversations became more frequent after my 10th Public exam. It opened me up when I wrote about a book instead of about my life story. Now I could look at story and comment on it. I had a valid reason to write since it was all about books and not about me.
How I Rebelled in My Life?!
Influence on the writing happened after many years, but I had strong preferences and tastes on the type of books that I read. I like stories to be a non-ending repeat of specific theme. I had in my mind some several tired themes which I enjoyed reading repetitively.
As a child, I have always been excessively curious. My mother tried out her versions of disciplining me and schooling good habits. She felt maybe if I feared the danger aspect then I would be scared to venture into places where she felt it was danger to my person.
Yet, she could never stop me from doing that which is prohibited. If my mother said that the fire burns do not go there, I never understood her logic. I would get fascinated with what is not allowed for me.
Until my curiosity for fire engulfs my imagination and there by I get burnt, I will never give up my desire to know. My mother has been silent bystander when I got hurt every time, but her love for me never diminished.
Journeying into the Young Mind of Mine
Let me take you on a trip into the dream space of my younger days’ mind. I was a person who picked unusual memoir books. I love to browse anywhere for books for those unusual pearls. Books call out to me and I often find myself gravitating towards them.
So, around my 9th grade I came across a collection of poems written by a young child younger than my age. It was a Vanity Publication book by the loving Parents. The Young child Poetess was meeting up and coping towards the challenges of brain cancer. Her biggest fear was losing her hair. I teared up when she spoke of it in her poems.
Until her mother could figure a solution the young girl was worried. These worries flowed into her poems as concerns. When the solution of a wig came up and the joy of her world righting itself up was blatant in her poems. Her hopeful outlook for life gave me strength and I felt hopeful for my non-essential life.
Current Reading Always Influences Me
When I am reading, I always believe the world created by the creator and the creation. For me, visualizing the world becomes possible because the words bring them to me. When that happens the rules of that world is relatable, and I give an empathetic ear to the work to feel it from my heart. Many a times I am bemused after I finish a book from cover to cover.
So, I read all the poems by this young child and felt such huge connect with my own personal understanding of pain and sorrow. Her ability to be brave and face the challenges in life, made me think I was unnecessarily cribbing in my easy life.
Since I loved browsing around the shelfs of a library, I keep finding rare books that was not the moment’s best sellers but those rare self-published books. People who were weak from fighting with life and its set of difficulties. It is easy to say ‘oh that is easy to fix’ but you do not know the hurdles the experiencing person is undergoing.
Self-Talk About Books – I Would Walk to Understand
I got into this habit of walking until my mind found the solution to any problems. My brain works like the debate hall for all type of issues. All writing issues had to be walked and solved for me. Whenever, I had a writing related issue or even books that I want to understand the point empathetically, I would simply get up and start walking.
Because I will not be able to sit in one place unless I have solved it in my head and boxed it into an understanding which is always one-sided for me. I feel that a book provides you one viewpoint but what we take away is another viewpoint. When there is a match in the viewpoint, it is expressed in the joy of relating to the author and their experiences.
I love to see an issue 360 degrees but then to see all is not humanly possible. So, I always work with the thought maybe there are angles that I am not able to see. The solutions that we sound out for the world is partial knowledge and not complete knowledge of the situation.
To Be Published Was Never A Dream
I believe life is always young, it is the external body that ages so adage! But my mind is eternally young. When I am reading a book, it allows me to experience a lifestyle in my head. As that happens, there is memory packets of the experiences that are not mine but from the books. Yet the memory space in my brain has not ran out which often happens for the gadgets we use! 🙂
The only skill that I had was to write and nothing else. No other talents that I could remember. I imagined myself to be an artist. Discipline was never my forte and bohemian way of life got me in trouble with all my family members. I would be happy if I spent the entire day just looking at a flower and doing nothing else.
But among my goal and target centric family, I am a worst misfit. So, after struggling to be focused and task centric in organization, I would reach a point where my inner artist wants out of the routine. I want to have a lazy morning and take my time with each word and write a piece every week and nothing more.
The craze for publishing happened after my Journalism and Corporate Communication course. But even then, I did not see myself as an author of best sellers in the future. I just wanted one by-line that was all. No great dreams of being published with book tours! When I got my poem published in Ability Magazine. Then and there ended my dream for being published.
Writer Who Were My Early Influencer
There were innumerable authors known and unknown in the annals of the published world who have influenced my writing. I loved to read someone’s thoughts a lot. Because when anyone who writes about their inner world it is so beautiful to experience. Their reality becomes for the even a small fraction of a second my living truth as I experience that life along with the author. I feel my day is done.
I remember reading books in which I have wept as I read it. I love to be moved by what I had read. That is essentially what I want to eventually achieve in my writing. I am not there but I can settle for bring a sense of joy and laughter. To elicit an emotion from the reader is my greatest desire and goal of my writing life.
Breaking the Glass Ceiling
As a reader, I am totally finicky about what I am reading. I know if I pick a book, I would have read everything surrounding it before the actual main content. The dust jacket, summary, introduction on the web, Publisher’s flyers, reviewers’ views, and the author’s main website.
I will check out everything, but then, eventually these researches will play a small part when I decide to read it. Because the writer’s works evoked my emotion, then I am a follower of the author for life! Sometimes the story itself will be my point of reference. If I am perked up by the scenario, then I am sure to pick up the book for reading.
There are still few topics that I cringe to read but enjoy pushing my limits in slow progress. I keep pushing myself to read books that are out of my comfort zone to understand the other side of the person who is trying to explain.
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